Understanding the “Why” Behind a Child's Behaviour
- 1 day ago
- 6 min read
By Georgina Ahrens, Occupational Therapist
Director, Kids World Paediatric Therapy
DIR®/Floortime Trainer | Profectum Foundation Associate Faculty
When a child refuses to get dressed, melts down over a change of plans, runs away from a noisy room or seems unable to follow a simple instruction, it can be easy to focus on the behaviour we can see.
But behaviour is only the part we can observe.
At Kids World, we encourage parents, carers and professionals to become curious about what might be happening underneath.
Instead of asking only:
“How do we stop this behaviour?”
we also ask:
“Why might this be happening?”
Understanding the “why” doesn't mean that every behaviour is acceptable or that children don't need boundaries. It means recognising that the way a child responds can give us important information about what they are experiencing and what support they may need.
The Same Behaviour Can Have Very Different Reasons
Imagine two children who both refuse to get dressed for school.
One child may dislike the feeling of a particular fabric against their skin.
Another may be worried about something happening at school.
Another may find it difficult to stop what they're doing and transition to the next activity.
Another may become overwhelmed when given several instructions at once.
And another may simply be exhausted after several busy days.
From the outside, we see the same thing:
“They won't get dressed.”
But if we respond to all of these children in exactly the same way, we may miss what each child actually needs.
This is why understanding the individual child is so important.
What Might Be Underneath Behaviour?
There isn't usually one simple explanation.
A child's responses can be influenced by many interacting factors, including:
Sensory processing
Emotional regulation
Communication
Motor planning
Executive functioning
Attention
Fatigue, hunger or physical discomfort
Difficulty with transitions or uncertainty
The complexity of the task
Expectations that exceed their current developmental capacities
The physical or social environment
Previous experiences
Relationships and how supported or understood they feel
Sometimes several of these factors are happening at the same time.
A busy classroom, for example, may require a child to manage noise, movement, social interaction, instructions, transitions and academic demands simultaneously. A child who manages for much of the day may have very little capacity left when they arrive home.
Understanding this broader picture helps us move away from seeing behaviour simply as a child being “difficult”.
Regulation Comes Before Reasoning
When children are overwhelmed, highly distressed or dysregulated, their capacity to listen, reason, communicate and problem-solve may be reduced.
This isn't usually the best time for a lengthy explanation about what they should have done differently.
The first priority may be helping the child become more regulated.
For one child, that might mean reducing noise and language. Another might need movement. Another may want space, while another seeks closeness with a trusted adult.
This is where co-regulation becomes important.
Children develop their capacity for regulation through experiences of being supported by other people. A calm, responsive adult can help a child organise their experience before expecting them to independently manage it.
Over time, children can develop greater awareness of what their bodies need and strategies they can increasingly use for themselves.
Sensory Processing Can Influence Behaviour
We are constantly receiving sensory information from our bodies and the environment — sounds, sights, touch, movement, smells, tastes and information about where our body is in space.
Children process this information differently.
A classroom that feels lively and interesting to one child might feel unbearably noisy and unpredictable to another.
A school uniform that most children barely notice might be extremely uncomfortable for a child who is sensitive to touch.
Another child might actively seek movement because it helps them feel organised and ready to participate.
When we understand a child's sensory processing differences, behaviours that previously seemed confusing can sometimes make much more sense.
Instead of asking:
“Why can't they just sit still?”
we might ask:
“What is movement doing for this child's body?”
That is a very different starting point.
Executive Functioning Matters Too
Some behaviours that appear to be about motivation or cooperation can also reflect differences in executive functioning.
Executive functions help us start tasks, remember instructions, organise ourselves, shift attention, manage time, control impulses and work through multiple steps.
Imagine saying:
“Go upstairs, get changed, put your dirty clothes in the basket, pack your swimming things and bring your school bag downstairs.”
A child may genuinely intend to do everything you've asked and still arrive downstairs twenty minutes later wearing one sock and carrying a Lego creation.
Breaking the task into smaller steps, using a visual prompt or reducing the amount of information given at once may be far more helpful than repeatedly telling the child to “focus”.
Developmental Capacities Are Important
At Kids World, our occupational therapists use the DIR® model (Developmental, Individual-differences, Relationship-based) to help us understand children.
One aspect of DIR® involves considering a child's Functional Emotional Developmental Capacities (FEDCs).
These include capacities such as regulation and engagement, connecting with others, purposeful back-and-forth communication, shared problem-solving and increasingly complex emotional thinking.
Rather than assuming a child should be able to manage a situation because of their chronological age, we consider the developmental capacities the situation requires and the support that particular child may need.
This helps us meet children where they are while continuing to support their development.
The Environment Is Part of the Picture
Sometimes we become so focused on helping a child cope that we forget to ask whether the environment could change too.
A child who struggles to concentrate in a noisy classroom might benefit from environmental adjustments.
A child who becomes overwhelmed during rushed mornings may benefit from fewer demands, visual supports or preparing things the night before.
A child who struggles with unexpected transitions might benefit from knowing what is going to happen next.
Supporting children isn't always about developing their capacity to tolerate increasingly difficult environments. Sometimes the most appropriate intervention is making the environment more accessible.
What About Boundaries?
Trying to understand the “why” behind behaviour doesn't mean children can't have boundaries.
Children need adults to keep them and other people safe, and family life inevitably involves things children don't always want to do.
The difference is that understanding and boundaries can exist together.
We can hold a boundary while acknowledging that something is genuinely difficult.
We can help a child regulate while still keeping everyone safe.
And we can ask whether there is a different way of achieving what needs to happen without unnecessarily increasing the child's distress.
Understanding the “why” isn't about removing expectations. It helps us make expectations and support more appropriate for the individual child.
Curiosity Can Change the Conversation
Sometimes one of the most powerful changes adults can make is moving from judgement to curiosity.
Instead of: “They're being difficult.”
Try: “What is making this difficult?”
Instead of: “They're not listening.”
Try: “What might be making it hard for them to process what I'm saying?”
Instead of: “They need to learn to cope.”
Try: “What support do they need right now, and what skills can we help them develop over time?”
These questions don't always produce an immediate answer.
But they give us a much better place to start.
How Occupational Therapy Can Help
Occupational therapists are interested in how children participate in everyday life and the factors that may make participation easier or more difficult.
At Kids World, this means considering the whole child — their developmental capacities, sensory and motor processing differences, regulation, executive functioning, communication, relationships, environment and the activities they need and want to do.
Our therapists can work with children and families to understand the factors contributing to challenges, support development and identify practical strategies for everyday life.
We also want parents and carers to develop their own understanding, confidence and strategies so that support extends beyond the therapy room.
Ultimately, understanding the “why” isn't about finding an excuse for behaviour.
It's about understanding the child behind the behaviour.
And when we understand more about what a child is experiencing, we are much better placed to provide the support they need to participate, connect, develop and advocate for themselves.
Want to Learn More?
Georgina also presents Understanding the “Why” Behind the Behaviour, a practical workshop for parents, carers and professionals using the DIR® model to better understand children's individual developmental needs.
Last reviewed: May 2026
Please note: This article provides general information and is not intended to replace individual assessment or advice from a qualified health professional. Every child is different, and recommendations should be considered in the context of their individual needs and circumstances.
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